This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: He'd been trapped in this world for ten years. Wandering from one form of existence to another. Searching for a way home, for a family, for anything to call his own. Then one hellraiser met another and all hell broke loose. Eventual NarutoxJackxHarem!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: AAAAAAAAAAARGH! Five days left until the midnight launch! I am going f*in crazy over here! Wittling my time away while I'm recovering from the NASTY after-effects of surgery, chomping at the bit for Mass Effect 3! Excuse the pun! Anyway, I was playing Mass Effect 2 again for kicks when something occurred to me. We know that our dear Jack was spirited away to Cerberus Facility when she was a kid.**

**We also know that she broke out during a riot. But what caused that riot? What was the catalyst that caused her escape? Who opened the cells and let them loose, causing such chaos and destruction? Who, indeed. As far as I now, it was never explained, and if it was, then this story is officially AU, in addtion to a crossover.**

**This is that story.**

_Fuck with me...watch what happens._

_~Jack._

**Biotic**

In hindsight, storming the facility on Pelagia probably wasn't the wisest thing he'd ever done. On a scale of one-to-ten in galactic blunders in probably ranked at least a nine. But at the same time, he'd hadn't exactly visited the planet with that in mind. He'd crash landed, and, seeing as it was the first facility he stumbled upon, it seemed as good a place as any to ask for repairs, or, at the very least, directions.

Now, he was flinging mechs and merc alike in every direction. Another well armed mercenary rounded the corner. He opened his hand and squeezed. _Hard._ The man froze, his eyes bulging as a singularity erupted in the center of his chest. He tried to scream, but all that emerged was a death rattle as the void tore him in half and stained the corridor crimson with his bodily fluids.

His attacker brushed all bodily fluids from his orange armor and marched onward.

How had this started? He'd just wanted directions, right? Well, he had knocked on the door and...

What he'd gotten was a gun shoved in his face. He hadn't taken very kindly to that. One thing had led to another and before he knew it, he'd wrenched the door open. It made for a fine weapon; riocheting around the halls as he guided it with his mind. The ten ton hunk of steel took out five sentries at once, neatly bifurcating the men as it crashed, a mile a minute, into a bulkhead.

That bulkhead must have contained an electrical apparatus of some sort; because the next thing he knew the power went out. The harsh luminance having led his way now no more, he was left to fumble in the darkness. Thankfully, it wasn't all that long before the backup generators kicked on; bathing the room in an eerie red light. He squinted, but the deafening klaxxons drowned out whatever he might have said as the next squad of mercs rounded the corner_...fleeing from him._

"Find Jack!" A woman shouted, tearing off in the opposite direction. "Don't let Subject Zero escape!" _Strange._ They were running away from him now? A bullet whistled past his ear and bit into his cheek, grazing him. He blinked, touched a hand to his face, and, in one smoth movement, beckoned back, in that direction. A salarian hurtled across, the room, screaming, but not for very long, as the commando's forehead struck an iron grate and burst like a watermelon.

Well, one down.

_'Wonder who this Subject Zero is..._

A tremor, reverberating through his feet, was his answer. It seemed he was about to find out.

Scowling he stalked past, tearing off a hunk of metal as he went. He could easily procure a rifle, but where was the fun in that? He was a man. He used his hands. He'd always used his hands, and the raw biotic talent with which he'd been born. He'd been on his way to the Citadel when _someone_ decided it would be fun to knock him out of the sky. A notion that continued to irk him. An ire he found himself exacting upon each and every mercenary and guard and hired gun he encountered.

It only sated his anger.

He swept a hand through his hair, the blond mess refusing to tamp itself down, sticking up as soon as his fingertips parted. _Damn but it was hot in here_. Briefly, he thought of removing his armor. He entertained the notion a moment longer before deciding against it. The moment he took it off, he'd be riddled with bullet holes. Then how would he be and his team be able to return to their dimension?

With a grunt, he moved on. What he couldn't Throw or Pull he simply destroyed, making use of his exceptional strength to hurl metal girders as if they were kunai. This suit, it was stupendous! He could do anything with it! Well, except run. The damned thing was too heavy! Still, it made for exceptional feats of strength and shielding, which was why he even bothered to wear the thing in the first place.

Then he rounded a corner and found himself face to face with two things he hadn't expected to see. Guns. And a girl. _What the fucking hell?_ He blinked his eyes flying wide as she stalked toward them; as they, the mercs, raised their weapons and opened fire. He was about to leap to her defense when the girl raised her arms and _screamed._ He flew. Literally. His world swam and his feet left the ground and he went flying backwards, his head kissing an iron rod; black spots speckling before his vision as he sprawled across the floor.

The suit saved him from death, but only just. He could feel his shields regenerating, his injuries mending, but it was too slow. Too slow. He struggled upright but his arms held him down with their sudden weight. His feet, too. He stood woodenly not taking enough care. _Ouch._ He winced as the servos recalibrated, allowing him to move under his own power once more, barely.

His mild flickered back to her death, to his helplessness to do anything about the slaughter of the child.

_Child?_

The man did a double take to clear his vision. Nope. Definitely not seeing things!

Cold fury burned the world white. He could not abide by this. Would not abide by this. His brain burned as the body surged anew providing him with a renewed surge of biotic power. Implants were not needed. _Screw 'em._ He was a natural. He could call upon enough energy to bring the entire building down on his head, were he so inclined. And, at the moment, he was rather inclined.

"You there!" A voice bellowed, "Halt! I said halt, _Uzumaki Naruto!"_

Naruto turned to the man who spoke to him. He was dressed in a neat pressed blue uniform, various medals decorating it. He stood with his hands folded behind his back, his chest puffed out. A black beard obscured his expression, but his eyes were twisted with scorn, and shaded by a hat covering his head. The man's presence reeked of authority and arrogance, which was understandable...considering he was surrounded by ten squads of soldiers, each of whom bore weapons of various make and model. So the big man sought strength in numbers, did he?

He hated the bastard already.

"I see my reputation preceeds me." The blond cracked a grin, silently compressing his power into a palm. Of course it preceeded him. One-time lover of Kasumi Goto, galaxy's most renowned thief, veteran of the Blue Suns, former jounin back in his day...he was practically a celebrity in this universe! It was only natural these men recognized him for who, or rather, what, he was. Honestly, he would have been offended if they hadn't...

"How could it not?" The man smiled, exposing pearly white teeth, effectively ending his reverie. "We were told to expect you."

"I assume you were the one's who shot my ship down, then?"

"You assume correctly." The man_-ass!-_continued self-righteously. "But just what does the strongest biotic in the galaxy think he's doing, staging a riot in our facility when you were so graciously invited to our doorstep?"

"Looking for the head." Naruto quipped.

A sneer.

"I believe you destroyed it, along with the rest of my base."

"Oh, so this is your base is it?" A scowl. "Well then, since you're _obviously_ in charge here, perhaps you could answer a few questions for me. "Tell me, since when has your so called facility, or rather, _Cerberus_ taken to experimenting on human children? I wasn't aware you lot loathed your own kind."

There was a silence.

Then the man produced a pistol from somewhere on his finely tailored jacket.

"If you refuse to comply with my demands, then-

In that instant, Naruto had one of two options:

_Surrender._

OR

**Retaliate.**

The choice was obvious.

_Ping!_

The bullet never made contact. It whistled through his shields, but it never struck his skull.

Naruto held up a fist, revealing the bullet, intact, within the contours of his right hand. He held up the projecticle, thumb to forefinger and made a flicking motion. The effect of it was like a railgun; smaller, but just as effective, and nearly as terrifying. He tossed it.

_Not gently._

The mustachioed man and his flunkies exploded into bloody chunks. They simply ceased to be; disintegrating beneath the might of a power no man could ever hope to muster let alone master. Because this man was the furthest thing from human. He was a biotic god, given human form. Unbound by morality and the restrictions of Element Zero. He was not of this world, but another, and his power over there had in turn been transmuted into this.

With a wave of his hand he removed the rubble, ignoring the bodies_-or a lack thereof-_strewn about him. He made a discovery there amidst the rubble; amongst the shattered weapons and twisted hunks of metal. It was the girl from before. He hadn't gotten a good look at her prior to the attack, and yet he'd recognized her almost immediately. She was virtually unscathed, save for some bruises on her forearms.

He knelt amongst the wreckage and was alarmed to find her still breathing.

_**"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"**_

_She was alive._

And she was not happy.

She screamed, and just as before, another all powerful surge of biotic energy threatened to scour him clean. Naruto flung out a hand and casually_-contemptuously-_slapped the blast aside. It was powerful, just as before. But he hadn't been prepared before. In a straight up contest, with more than a _decade,_ of training under his belt, he was ten-times her better, and her untrained blast did little but disturb the dirt around him. He reached forward, and snuffed out her biotic field like a candle. It was easy. Efficient.

_Effortless._

Momentarily bereft of her power, she scrambled backward, eyes wide.

"S-Stay away!"

"I'm not going to hurt you." Naruto soothed, his hand out, palms splayed before him as he approached her.

_"I'll fucking kill you!"_

"Somehow I doubt that." Naruto reached down and snatched her up, hoisting her by the scruff of her neck. Gods! She was light as a feather, this one! He held her before his face and she pinnioned him with a gaze. She spat in his face. Had he, been a lesser man, he would have struck her for her insolence. As it was, he just pitied her. Whomever this girl was, she didn't return the sentiment.

"Put me the fuck down!" She swore at him, her boots ineffectually striking the armor of his chest. Naruto bit back a laugh. Without her biotics, she was declawed. Little more than a tightly strung ball of anger and hatred.

She was a scruffy little thing, her brown hair matted, her clothes ragged, her eyes fierce and wild, like a wild vorcha's. _She looks more like a cub,_ Naruto thought to himself. It was almost laughable. If not for that violent display of biotic power earlier, he might have found her words amusing. Her biotic power certainly wasn't. He set her down and he resisted the urge to ruffle her hair. She'd probably blow his arm off if he did that.

So he set her down instead.

"Now, I think we got off on the wrong foot," Naruto began, folding his arms before his chest. "Why don't we...

She grabbed a gun off the ground.

...introduce ourselves." The words fell away, replaced by amusement.

"That's no way to introduce yourself."

"Who the fuck are you?" She demanded, holding the pistol tight and aiming at his head.

"Didn't your parents ever tell you its rude to point a gun at someone?" The words seemed to set something off in the girl. With a shriek of pent up fury, she pulled the trigger, only for the bullet to bounce harmlessly off his shields. She managed to squeeze the trigger three more times before Naruto's hand closed around the barrel and squeezed. It crumpled like paper mashe; the fourth shot detonating violently within the barrel and eviscerating the weapon utterly.

The girl yelped, dropping the gun and waving her hands in an effort to cool them.

_"Damnit!" _She cried. "You bastard!"

"It's not _bastard."_ Naruto corrected. "The name's Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto."

Recognition dawned in her eyes.

"You're that jackass who's been running around the galaxy hounding Cerberus, right?" He noted her tone was slightly less harsh than before. She'd stopped waving her hands, and now, she scrutinized him.

"The one and only."

"What the fuck do you want with me?" The girl demanded.

Naruto extended a hand.

"Well, I was here for direction but now...I guess I'm here to take you out of here..." He trailed off, waiting for her name.

She glared at him, hard, jaded.

_"Jack."_ The word was guarded, bordering on tentative. Her lower lip trembled...before she sank her teeth into it to stop the trembling. Tough one, this girl. _She must've led a hard life,_ Naruto thought to himself, reflecting back on his own troubled past as a youth in Konoha. Granted he wasn't quite as violent Jack, but then again, no one had taken him from his parents and experimented on him for the duration of his young life.

Naruto offered his most winning smile.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Jack."

"Cut the crap." Jack peered up at him, this demented stranger who'd so ruthlessly slaughtered the base and her captors. "Are you going to take me out of here, or not?"

"I would...but I may have...crashed my ship."

Jack slapped a hand to her forehead.

"Figures_...dickhead."_

Naruto gave her a scathing glare.

"We're going to have to do something about that mouth of yours, missy."

"You and what army?"

"You're talking to a man who once led a fleet."

Jack laughed; it was a harsh, bitter sound, with only the faintest tinge of hope. It was utterly out of place on a child like herself, and it made Naruto want to weep. She was truly broken inside, this Subject Zero. She swore like a sailor. Her biotic power rivalled his own already, and it would doubtlessly grow, given time. The question remained if anyone would be willing to give Jack that time and attention she so desperately wanted and needed but refused to admit.

"This way." She seized his wrist suddenly, hauling him forward and toward the doors. "The hangar bay...should be this way."

Naruto offered his shoulders in a shrug; in recompense for his temerity. What the hell was he doing? The last thing he wanted to do was leave with some kid in tow. Especially one as dangerous and ill-tempered as Jack. And yet, it seemed that was what he'd be doing today. Assuming they found a ship. Assuming they found a ship, and assuming he could track Kasumi down again and pawn the kid off on her...lord knew the woman was always better with kids than him.

"Lead the way, Jack...

He had the strangest feeling that he _wasn't_ going to regret this.

_...lead the way."_

**A/N: And so the dynamic duo finally meet! What path will they carve through the galaxy? One of peace? Or destruction? I think its pretty obvious, don't you? I've included the choice dynamic for this story, so ultimately, you, the reader, by mass majority of vote, choose what he does or does not do in the end! Hope you like the new addition! Who knows...Naruto and Jack might still meet Shepard when/if she tries to recruit them...**

**R&R! =D**


	2. Controversy

**A/N: My muse is going BERSERK and I am on an updating frenzy! After receiving word that ME3 will be getting some MAJOR Dlc, I find myself renewed and invigorated to update my Mass Effect Crossover as well as my other fics. That being said, I've noticed you, dear reader, have taken an interest in a few of my more recent and more popular fics; i.e. Cataclysm, A Queen and Her King, Sentinel, and Perfection. I'm so very glad you're enjoying them! And if you have yet to check them out yet, by all means, feel free to do so! Now...**

**...ONTO THE STORY!**

_He's mine...you can't have him. _

_~Jack._

**Controversy**

_It has been ten years since the day Uzumaki Naruto laid seige to the Cerberus facility on Pragia. Ten years since he departed the planet Pragia and took the girl known as Jack with him as his apprentice. But their story did not end there. Oh no. That was only the beginning._

_Word eventually reached their ears of Commander Shepard's return. That she was not, in fact, dead. That she was back. Alive. Recruiting a team. Trying to stop the so-called Reapers from destroying the galaxy. They didn't care. They were outcasts, the both of them. They bided their time, making a living as they saw fit. Whethet it be robbery or vigilantism or simply mass destruction, they didn't seem to care. Eventually the antics of this unlikely pair attracted the attention of the Alliance, forcing them to flee into the Terminus Systems._

_It was there that they finally tracked down Kasumi Goto. They'd stumbled upon her during a heist, said heist being the catalyst that forced the trio to flee Alliance space in the first place. They traveled around the Terminus for the remaining seven years; a small, dysfunctional family. The Biotic God. The Master Thief. And the child whose biotic power rivaled them both._

_During that time, Naruto became something of a mentor to Jack; who, over the years, had begun to view him as more than just the man who'd saved her life. More than that great god of a man who'd destroyed the entire facility Cerberus in their wake, leaving only a ruined crater where it had once stood. She no longer had nightmares. The facility and the horrors she'd suffered there no longer haunted her treams; nor did they plague her every waking moment._

_And when they did, she'd open her eyes, and realize that the arms around her were not those of her captors, but those of Naruto. She'd taken to sharing the same bed as him and Kasumi. There really hadn't been any discussion on it. Their shuttle only had one bed, so, as Naruto put it, the three of them were obligated to share it. And share it they did._

_For better or worse, Jack was at peace._

_Robbery. Theft. Vandalism. Grand larsony. Destruction, sometimes on a grand scale. Together, the three of them carved a path of chaos across the galaxy, doing whatever they pleased, using the funds from Kasumi's occasional heists to sustain themselves. It was a good life. She liked it. They argued occassionly, as most families do, but at the end of the day, the came out the stronger for it._

_Granted, most of their arguements involved tables and chairs being hurtled around the room like toys, but still..._

_Yup, just one big happy family._

_Jack, then eight, was now eighteen. She'd grown her hair out long, the auburn locks serving a sharp contrast to her tattoos framing her face and most of her body. Naruto had tried to dissuade her, but she'd have none of it. She wore a slim, black dress with slacks, wherever she went. Kasumi thought she looked ravishing. Naruto...well, Naruto could have said something, but everytime he saw her wearing the outfit he tended to gawp like a fish out of water._

_Which of course, was exactly the effect Jack so desired._

_Months ago, Kasumi had taken on a job for Cerberus. They were helping her find Keiji's graybox, or so she'd claimed. A man named Donovan Hock had it. Kasumi never came back. Hock, however, turned up dead several days later on the extranet news. But no word from Kasumi._

_Finally, Jack could stand it no more. She'd set out in search of the woman who'd been like a mother to her for the last ten years, and she'd dragged Naruto with her. If anyone had laid a hand on Kasumi, she swore, she'd kill them. No, scratch that. She'd inflict all kinds of horrors upon them, and then she'd kill them. Slowly. Painfully. In their travels and as they found nothing, this desire only grew stronger with each passing solar day. _

_Rumor had it that Commander Shepard was also active in the Terminus Systems. Perhaps she knew what fate had befallen Kasumi. Or, at the very least, she could point them in the right direction. And so, they'd tracked her halfway across the galaxy, using Naruto's sources. Eventualy she settled upon a certain planet in the middle of the Crescent Nebula of the Tasale System. They'd followed Shepard's trail to this planet, and Jack was determined to have her answers._

_Which leads us to Illium, and our current predicament..._

* * *

_(Currently)_

Commander Shepard was not an easy woman to refuse. She was a charming, persuasive woman. She had her mother's looks, and every bit her father's charm. And when the god-given gifts she'd been given weren't enough, there was always the pistol she carried on her personage for protection. Unfortunately, her pistol hadn't done her much good against the enraged biotic she was facing.

"Where the hell is she, Shepard!"

That being said, Commander Shepard was also not an easy woman to kill. She was a soldier; what she lacked in biotic power she more than made up for in sheer skill. She was a veteran of Akuze, a battle hardened warrior who'd faced down Thresher Maws when they devoured most of her squad. But Jack wasn't a thresher maw. She was a very pissed off child in desperate search of the only mother she'd ever known; because she believed Shepard had a hand in her dissapearance.

"What the hell are you talking about!" Jane Shepard exclaimed as she narrowly evaded another biotic shockwave. The rounds she fired were contemptuously deflected by the girl's barrier, and the next thing she knew a biotic _throw_ sent her hurtling across the market district. Her shields overloaded upon contact with the surface of the wall, unable to compensate for the strain of the overload and black spots burst before her vision.

When her vision cleared, the first thing she saw was a metal girder. Hurtling toward her! By some extraordinary feat of skill_-she knew better than to call it luck-_Shepard gave ground and rolled underneath the falling debris, wincing as it struck a glancing blow upon her shoulder. _Great._ The damn thing was dislocated now. She hit the ground and it squealed in protest, the socket wrenching harshly against the sudden momentum.

_"Aaaargh!"_

Cold fury burned the world white. How had this happened? She'd come here to Illium, in hopes of recruiting a justicar and an assasin. Instead, she'd run into a tattooed girl in a little black dress and thus far, gotten the ass-kicking of a lifetime. Her squadmates weren't of much use either; Zaeed and Miranda remained pinned down on the other side of the courtyard held off by a withering fire of biotics and lightning-fast artillery strikes.

Apparently, _their_ opponent was either a Vanguard or a Sentinel, because his armor was absorbing a punishing amount of damage. How the hell had he come to acquire a _Geth_ shotgun? Screw that, where had he found a Collector Partcile Beam? What truly baffled her, however, was that he wasn't aiming to kill. Her teammates had presented _several _openings thus far, but the armored titan never made use of them.

He simply opened fire every time they poked their heads out of cover, or, in Zaeed's case, tried to find higher ground. Shepard winced as a concussive round struck the former founder of the blue suns and sent him sprawling. Miranda retaliated with a biotic slam, succeeding in lifting the great goliath several feet into the air before he spread his arms and brought them together in a thunderous clap.

Before Shepard's XO knew what was happening, a biotic cataclysm engulfed her position. Now it was _Operative Lawson_ who found herself in a freefall, her head kissing an iron bulkhead as the biotic _Slam_ forced her into the earth. Having dealt with the most immediate threat, the man slotted another thermal clip into his deadly shotgun and awaited their next failed attempt.

If he wasn't so dangerous Shepard might have considered recruiting him.

_"Are you fucking listening to me!"_

Her thoughts were interrupted as a biotic haymaker found the seal of her helmet and nearly cracked the damn thing open. As it were, stars_-entire planets-_exploded before her vision. The powerful blow rocked her jaw, overloaded her barriers, and sent her flying. Her shoulder shrieked in silent protest. She struggled to rise, managing to force herself to her elbows before a biotic-enhanced kneee to the stomach drove the breath from her lungs and broke her from the adrenaline rush. She tasted blood when she breathed.

"No more games, Shepard." Suddenly Subject Zero was upon her, her eyes narrow and full of rage.

"Don't. Play. Dumb." Jack hissed through gritted teeth. "I _know_ you have her! Where is she!"

"I honestly have no idea who you're talking about."

_**"That's it!"**_

Jack screamed and brought her hands together for another attack. She never made it. Strong fingers closed around either wrist and hoisted her up, up, until her feet dangled off the ground and off of Shepard. She tried to struggle, but those hands held her fast and refused to release her. Groaning, Shepard propped herself up on her elbows. It felt like she'd broken a rib. Or all of them. She was about to voice her thanks when she realized her so-called saviour wasn't a saviour at all.

"What did I tell you, Jack?" A deep, accented voice rang from within the refractive metal of his visor.

"But-

_"Jack."_

"No killing." she sighed, still dangling from where he held her.

"That's right." The titan answered. "I thought I told you we'd handle this my way?" He glanced back to the prone forms of her squadmates and it was then that Shepard knew him; because he was _not_ her saviour. He was the furthest thing from it.

It was the man who'd beaten Miranda and Zaeed into submission. Shepard stole a glance for her comrades, alarmed to see that they weren't moving. Miranda lay there, prone and unmoving, though her ample chest could be seen to rise and fall ever so subtly. Zaeed had a nasty gash near one of his eyes, but other than that, and the fact that he too had been knocked out, he seemed no worse for the wear.

Shepard stared past her, and frowned. The bulky behemoth was staring. At her. To her surprise, took one hand away from Jack's wrist, and touched it to his neck. The seal of his helmet unfolded, the yield giving way, exposing a chiseled face, platinum blond hair, and eyes the color of the afternoon sky. The scars he bore on either cheek were eerie and they were familiar; because she knew this man beneath the metal.

"It's been awhile, Shepard."

Shepard felt a frozen fist impact her stomach.

She'd been told by the Illusive Man that Subject Zero was in tow with another biotic, but him? This was man was a legend. One of the two survivors of Akuze, the other being herself. Lifelong friend, onetime lover, and a face she'd never thought to see again. She hadn't seen him since Akuze. He'd gone off the grid shortly after he promotion, having murdered some high profile members of the Council, stolen experimental technology, an AI interface...

...and her heart.

"You're alive." Where the first words out of her mouth. She'd heard rumors that he'd been killed in a Geth attack. Apparently, this was not the case. Because he was alive. He was standing over her, smiling at her, just as he'd done that day in Akuze.

"You don't look half bad yourself, Shep." A wry grin. "Death looks good on you." Her first response was to blush. Her second response was to bring up her good arm and fire a burst of bullets at him. To his credit, Naruto dropped Jack and threw up a barrier, the rounds splashing harmlessly against the shield.

"Why the hell are you shooting at me!" Naruto exclaimed, dodging around a spray of machine gun fire. "I thought we were friends, Shepard!"

"You're no friend of mine!"

"Is that so?" Naruto called back, hurtling a table at her with his biotics.

"You're a murderer!" Shepard snapped back, rolling into cover. "A traitor!" A pause. "And a pervert!"

"Well _excuuuuse_ me for admiring the goods!"

"And excuse me for interrupting!"

Shepard stiffened as a biotic push washed over her.

And then Naruto was upon her.

_"Gotcha,"_ he murmured. The biotic blast burst from him with a little pop, lighting their immediate area with a golden glow, ripping the helmet clean off her face. He reached out to pull her close in the same moment, arm ready to trap. His fingers brushed the smooth bare skin of her cheek as she backed away. For a moment she stood motionless. Her lush lips were parted, ruby red hair lofting around a pale, beautiful heart-shaped face, green eyes flecked with gold and wide with surprise.

He stared back at her, sharing an equal measure of astonishment. She was the most stunning woman he'd ever seen. He hadn't been expecting that. He'd known she would be beautiful, but even so, he hadn't been expecting it. Naruto took a step forward, _throw_ in hand. She dissolved as soon as he moved. A vison of beauty one moment, gone the next in a burst of machine gun fire.

Naruto skittered backwards, dancing away from her with a laugh.

"You look good without the helmet, Shep!" He taunted. "You should keep it that way!"

"I should kill you!" She shrieked!

"And I should put a stop to this." Naruto skidded to a hald and brought both hands together. Not gently. Shepard had only an instant to protest as the stasis field engulfed her arms and legs and then it was over. She toppled forward, her unprotected head smacking against the floor. Silently, she was grateful that all the pedestrians had fled from the market district. She didn't want any witnesses to this already humiliating scene.

"Hold her steady, Jack." Naruto instructed, turning a watchful eye toward his student. The girl sighed and placed her hands forward each fist engulfed in a biotic field. Shepard wouldn't be moving anytime soon, and neither would her squadmates.

"Whatever you say, boss man."

Naruto folded his arms before his chest.

"What are you doing here, Shepard?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"We're searching for someone."

"And that someone might be?"

"Our mutually beneficial friend."

"Excuse me?"

Naruto scowled.

"Kasumi." He said, as though the name somehow explained everything.

Jack brightened.

"She's here?"

"No-

_"Actually, I am."_

Three heads turned as a young woman materialized from thin air, the remnants of her cloak dissipating as she stepped into view. She wore dark greys and blacks, the fabrics hugging her curvy, slender form in all the right places. The upper portion of her visage remained sheltered a hood, obscuring the features of her face. The violet streak on her lower lip was a single, thick line, one that curved into a smile as she strutted toward them.

"Long time no see!" She grinned. "Naruto! What brings you to Illium?"

Naruto blinked.

_"Kasumi?"_

Jack cried.

"Mom!"

The thief arched an eyebrow.

"Jack?" Another blink. "Is that you?_ Jack?"_

"Shepard." Jane interjected, feeling the need to interject her name into the mix as well.

Naruto threw up his hands in exasperation-and relief- as the macabre reunion took place. He almost chastised Jack when she let down the stasis field and embraced Kasumi, but thought better of it. He doubted Shepard would open fire on them now, anyway. Still, all things considered, it was remarkable that they'd actually found Kasumi so easily, and in only a matter of months, at that. Still, something irked him. A niggling doubt...

Kasumi Goto was not an easy woman to find.

She could disappear for days, weeks, months at a time. She wasn't the most famous thief in the galaxy; because she wanted to keep it that way. But she was the best at what she did, and it seemed, Shepard recruited the best. He stole a glance at his old comrade and caught her staring. _Lovely._ Was this all just a ploy? A trick, some means by which to lure him and Jack out of hiding and then recruit them to join up?

He doubted it.

Shepard had shot at him with intent to kill. She'd wanted him dead, and was likely only now reconsidering her actions. He'd given her good reason to want to kill him. Not only had he gone rogue after Akuze, killed a Council member, borrowed a pair of L5 implants; he'd also stolen a top of the line, top secret AI from an Alliance lab. She was plugged into his hardsuit even now, careful to keep her silence in the wake of this new development.

Her knew her name, but he dared not even think in the prescence of Shepard.

She was a survivor of a byone era, though you'd never guess it should you look at her. He'd had his reasons for stealing her, of course, just as he'd had for his attempt on the Council and his theft of Alliance Tech. The explantion would be lost on Shepard so he didn't bother. The longer he stared at her though the more certain he became. She could shoot him outright for his crimes, or offer him some manner of pardon if he aided her on this suicide mission. This was something in her eyes, something in that sent a chill up his He had a bad feeling about this. If this had anything to do with the Collectors...

Just what the hell had he gotten himself into?

He had no illusions about killing Shepard. The galaxy needed her. This was her fight. Certainly not his! He wanted nothing to do with her theories about the Reapers, or even a servant of one. He just wanted to live peacefully with Jack and Kasumi and the quirky AI none of them knew about. The one he'd come to call his ally, his friend, not some odd piece of synthetic that could think for himself. The one that wasn't offering him any advice_-damned wench!-_as things went straight to shit.

Naruto groaned softly as he saw Shepard's squadmates stirring in his peripheal vision. They'd be up soon enough, and he'd have some explaining to do. He could also see Jack and Kasumi, having finished their reunion, and, in the case of the latter, eyeing him expectantly.

After all he'd said and done, after finally finding himself a family, he'd gone and gotten himself dragged into this. This! This damned rock and a hard place! He could always try to take Jack and run, but that would mean leaving Kasumi behind. She was probably already loyal to Shep, which shot to hell his chances of convincing her to leave peacefully which also meant Jack wouldn't want to leave, either.

_"This is why we can't have nice things, he thought bitterly..._

_...because they always break._

**A/N: Oh, whatever could Naruto be up to? Trying so hard to protect his little family... Whatever use could he possibly have for an AI interface? What other exceptional AI do we know of other than EDI hmm? Can't remember? Ah, well, I'll leave that to you to guess. Though I think I dropped enough hints...here's a preview!**

_Next time:_

_"Oh, and one more thing, Shepard."_

_"?"_

_Jack glared bloody red daggers at Shepard._

_"If you do anything, and I mean anything, to break his heart," Her hand glowed a biotic blue, "I'll hunt you down and gut you like a fish."_

_Shepeard swallowed nervously._

_"I'll try to keep that in mind."_

_"Jack!" Naruto called, "We gotta go!"_

_"Coming!" She called back at him, smiling sweetly. _

_Shepard watched her go, and she shuddered._

_Damn she's scary..._

**R&R! =D**


	3. What I Like About You

**A/N: A certains omeone suggested that I ought to update this story. I figured since I was updating all my mass effect stories, I might as well give this one a solid kick in the pants to get it going again. On another note, I apologize for the delay. My muse is being stubborn! She's a fickle little thing; sometimes she'll cooperate, and sometimes she won't! HOWEVER after hearing word of the new Mass Effect DLC, I thought I'd try my hand at this story and see if I still have it. Sorry if its short! And with that, I proudly present...**

**...the next chapter of This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things!**

_"Fiesty, isn't she?_

_~Kasumi._

**What I like about You**

The Normandy SR-2 was a large vessel, all things considered. Nearly twice the size of its predecessor it was a marvel of engineering; equipped with an oversized Tantalus drive core, kinetic barriers, thanix cannon, and more arms and weaponry than you could shake a stick at. It was also loud. No sooner had they set foot on the ship, than Jack had all but bolted for the engineering deck; she was now safely secured just beneath these stairs, hidden away from all the prying eyes of Cerberus and their personnel. Dark and quiet. Just the way she liked it.

Jack could almost call it home. _Almost._ But when one recalled that it belonged to Cereberus-the ones responsible for fucking up her life in the first place-the enthusiasm was swift to fade. When one realized that almost this entire operation had been funded by the same organization, the novelty, wore off. Ironically, she felt grateful. Were it not for Cerberus, she'd never have been kidnapped, never have been rescued, never have met Naruto and Kasumi. Never have even begun to consider she might love one of them more than life itself-

"Something on your mind, kid?"

An errant voice intruded on her maudlin thoughts, dragging her out of her reverie. Jack risked a glance up the stairs, squinting against the darkness as the sound of footfalls reached her ears. Her scowl faded, replaced by a hesitant smile as its owner stepped into the light. Uzumaki Naruto peered down at her, scrutinizng her over a hot cup of joe. Gone was his armor, replaced by an oufit she supposed bordered on casual. If Naruto's unique style could be called such. In place of his menacing hardsuit, he'd donned a flamboyantly orange hoodie and black slacks, the former leaving little to the imagination.

Once again, Jack was struck by the sight of him. He always looked so...well, _normal_ without his armor. With it, he could crush bones into fine powder. Without it, he was just a normal human being, albeit one with a set of skills unheard of this side of the galaxy. But even without the armour, without his skillset, he was still so damned handsome sometimes...

"Just...stuff." she relented, cheeks burning as she twirled a strand of ebony hair betwixt her fingertips. She often wondered if she should just shave it off but she never did; because she knew Naruto liked girls with long hair_...fuck!_ Why was she thinking about that again?! It wasn't as if she l-liked him or...or anything!

Naruto arched an eyebrow, blissfully unaware of the conflict raging within her head.

"Stuff?"

"Yeah." Unable to meet his gaze, Jack buried her face in her arms. "Stuff."

"C'mon now...

She heard the table creak as he took a seat beside her; bristled, as his shoulder brushed against hers. There was a soft _clink_ as he set the mug down and then his hand was there, pressing beneath her chin, forcing her to raise her gaze, look him in the eye. The subsuquent flushing of Jack's face was like a burning forest fire; spreading from her head to her toes. God, why did he have to look at her like that? It was like staring into the sun; impossible to peer at overlong for fear of being burned. And Jack was afraid of being burned. Terrified, actually. Naruto was at least a decade her senior; her eighteen years quailed in comparison to his experience, both in life and every other aspect. Honestly, how could she hope to compare to someone who could crush a _starship_ into dust without so much as a thought? She was beginning to understand just why Shepard wanted to kill him so badly. Anyone capable of wielding that much power could become a powerfully ally...or a dangerous enemy.

"Hey...Naruto."

"Hmmm?" Naruto glanced at her as he sipped at his mug. Jack squirmed, the question she wanted to ask was eating at her insides; systematically tearing her apart piece by painful piece. She'd been meaning to ask for some time now, but the question had always slipped her mind...until this moment.

"You and Shepard...you guys weren't...y'know, close, or anything?" she squeezed her eyes shut and braced herself for a rebuke. Naruto had never been all that keen on his past to begin with; she might've opened an old wound for all she knew.

There was another _clink_ as Naruto set his mug aside. Then silence. Jack heard the table creak anew as he shifted his weight

"We used to be." Naruto admitted, his voice slipping into the realm of nostalgia. "But that was a long time ago. Why do you ask?"

"Oh." Unbidden, Jack flashed back to the 'conversation' she'd had with Shepard just before boarding the Normandy. "Well...no reason. Curious, I guess." Just before they'd agreed to join the commander in her mission against the collectors, Jack had made one point very clear to shepard. Crystal clear.

_(Flashback)_

_"Oh, and one more thing, Shepard."_

_"?"_

_Jack glared bloody red daggers at the commander. If looks could kill..._

_"If you do anything, and I mean **anything**, to him," Her hand glowed a biotic blue, "I'll hunt you down and gut you like a fish."_

_Shepeard swallowed nervously._

_"I'll try to keep that in mind."_

_"Jack!" Naruto called from the boarding ramp, "We gotta go!"_

_"Coming!" She called back at him, smiling sweetly. _

_Shepard watched her go, and she shuddered._

_"Damn she's scary..._

_(End Flashback)_

Unlike Jack, the blond seemed to have taken well to life aboard the Normandy. Her fellow biotic wasn't happy about working with Cerberus, but he wasn't angry, either. Unlike Jack, he seemed to swallow this distaste in stride, especially in the prescence of Kasumi and Shepard. The two must've had some sort of history together; but Naruto wouldn't go into detail about it. The idea of him keeping secrets rankled Jack, but nowhere near as much as it should have. Besides, if she really wanted to know, she could always ask Kasumi. But she wanted to hear it from him. Him, the one who mattered to her more than anything else**-STOP THAT!** Jack cut off her train of thought; derailing it before it took a different track. Her feelings had nothing to do with this! Nothing at all! She just didn't want to see Naruto get hurt. Yes, that was it. That was all...

...wasn't it?

"Earth to Jack?" Naruto waved a hand before her face, startling the younger biotic out of her stupor. "Hellooooo? Anybody home?"

"I...what?" Jack blinked rapidly, her eyes fluttering open and shut with all the rapidity of a hummingbird's wingspan.

"You were spacing out again." Naruto pointed out.

"Was not!"

"Oi oi...

The blond biotic sweatdropped.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" he spoke softly, his words the barest whisper. "If something's bothering you...

Jack blanched.

_'No,'_ she thought to herself,_ 'I can't tell you this, not yet; because I'm not sure how I feel. Because if I say something now, it'll fuck everything up and-_

"Oi, Jack."

_"Huh?"_

"You got a fever or something?" Naruto released her chin and leaned forward to part her hair with a hand, his forehead pressing against hers. If Jack had been crimson before, then now she was practically scarlet. _Close_ was the only thought in her mind. Way too fucking close! Unbidden, her eyes flicked down to his lips-those wonderful, gorgeous lips-pursed now in confusion. Thank god Naruto's eyes were shut. If he caught her staring at his lips, he might get the wrong idea. Not that she would mind...

"That's strange," Naruto drew back with a frown, "You don't feel hot at all." It took all Jack had not to sputter and spit in surprise. Moron! Jackass! Where did he get off doing that?! Did he have any idea how close she'd been to...to...oh god! She had to get out of here. _Now!_ Jack could feel an epileptic tingle working its way down her spine; her reprressed energies threatening to send her into convulsions if she didn't do something with it and soon. Her hands curled around the edge of the table as a familiar warmth spread down her spine; that of her biotics being stressed.

"M-Must be the jitters." she mumbled, refusing to look her mentor in the eye.

"You and me both, gaki."

The blond laughed and reached down to muss her hair, his fingers pushing through the raven tresses to lovingly caress her scalp. It was like flicking a switch. She flung her arms around his neck and kissed him, her lip searing into his cheek, instead of his mouth, as she'd intended. "Ooof!" Naruto grunted in surprise, braicing both hands against the table for support as Jack clung to him. She remained that way for an exceedingly long time, not yet trusting herself to release him. Finally, she unlocked her arms from his neck and edged backwards_-he'd never know how much effort it took not to throw herself at him-_placing some much-needed distance between herself and the blond biotic.

"I gotta go." she whispered.

"Huh?" Naruto blinked. "Go? You sure you're alright, Jack?"

"I-I'm fine!" The psychotic biotic sputtered, standing abruptly. "I'm...gonna take a shower!" Without another word she flung herself past him, scrambling toward the stairs and up them as fast as her legs could carry. All the while, she could feel his gaze boring into her back, regarding her with what must've been complete and utter confusion. She refused to look back; because she was certain she'd end up turning around and saying all she wished to say; making a complete ass of herself in the proccess.

"Jack!" she heard Naruto ascending the stairs behind her. "You forgot your-

"I said I'm fine, dumbass!" she shouted, refusing to slow her pace. "Leave me alone!"

It was not until she'd arrived at her destination-at the elevator-that Jack finally hazarded a glance over her shoulder to make certain of her progress. Naruto hadn't followed her. She was alone. But not for long. Scarce had she stepped inside than the doors slid shut, the elevator whisking her to her destination. She had only a few moments of peace and quiet before the doors whooshed open, exposing her once more. Somehow, Jack managed to hold herself together as she exited the elevator, making a line for the crew quarters in swift, determined strides.

So fixated was she, she almost failed to notice she had, in fact, been followed after all.

"You seem troubled, child."

Jack wheeled on the voice with a snarl, biotics flaring. She found herself staring up, up up, into the cold, clear blue eyes of an asari. Wrapped in skintight armour, her azure skin seemed to glisten in the light, practically shining with barely contained power. She was everything Jack was not. Calm. Cool. Collected. Not to mention drop-dead gorgeous. She vageuly rememebered being introduced to this very same asari during her tour of the Normandy. Now, what was her name again...

"Samara." she ventured warily.

The asari inclined her head in acknowledgement, but said nothing more. Eventually, Jack realized she was waiting for her to speak.

"I've...had a rough day." she admitted.

"It would seem so." Samara gestured, indicating the azure glow still wreathing the young woman's fists. "I admit, even I was startled for a moment."

Flushing, Jack willed her powers to abate.

"Sorry." her cheeks burned as she admitted her fault. "Its just that blond dumbass got me riled-

"Naruto?"

Jack bristled at the mention of her mentor, struggling to contain a scowl, disguising it as she pushed a stray strand of hair behind her right ear. How the hell did Samara know about Naruto? The justicar must've seen it, however; because her stern expression suddenly softened.

"He is difficult to understand, is he not?"

"You can say that again," Jack muttered darkly. Even after living with him for a solid decade, she sitll couldn't get a solid read on her master; she didn't know if he knew of her feelings, or was he really _that_ ignorant? A laugh threatened to bubble past her lips at the thought. No man could be that dense! Not even Naruto!

The justicar's dark lips quirked upward ever so slightly in what might've been a smile.

"If you wish to speak of the matter further, you may find me on the observation deck."

Jack barely constrained a snort of derision. Bullshit! Horseshit! she wasn't about to spout off to a complete stranger like Samara! She was a justicar, no less! She probably wouldn't understand, anyway! From what little she did know of justicars they seldom loved, and no one understood her feelings for Naruto better than- Godamnit shit! She _did not_ love Uzumaki Naruto! She didn't! _Hmmph!_ Maybe she would talk to the justicar. Later of course. Not now.

"I'll try to remember that."

"Be at peace, then." the asari moved past her with a nod and a subtle touch upon the shoulder, then she was gone.

Jack wasted no more time in making for the crew quarters. God forbid she be waylaid by that Cerberus cheerleader next...

Slipping from her slacks and trousers, Jack all but flung the garments on the floor, stripping to her bra and undergarments. Pulling those down, she noted with some charign that the later were moist. Damnit. She made for the shower, intent on washing the smell of her arousal away, only to pause as she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. The reflecting staring back at her was a young woman's, her hard hazel eyes narrowed, as she seemed to scrutinize herself from another angle. Her body was mostly muscle, made evident, through Naruto's training. But Jack _did_ have curves; if one could knew where to look under the ink. She was rather fond of them, but Kasumi's behest she'd refrained from getting anything too outlandish.

Scowling, she turned once more, presenting herself with a better profile. Cupping her breasts, Jack scrutinized them. Nearly a B cup, they were pert and perky but she'd seen bigger. Samara's were certainly larger than hers though...did Naruto like that sort of thing?

Jack didn't find herself all that attractive, but that didn't make her _unattractive,_ right? _Gah!_ she swore at herself,_ I'm overthinking things!_

Uncaring for her nakedness, she hurled herself into the bathroom, dialed in a setting for the shower, and stepped inside. Slapping both hand against a nearby panel, shaking with the effort required to do so, she stepped back and braced herself against the shower wall. God. She shouldn't feel this way. Her skin was hyper-sensitive, warm to the touch, a veritable inferno simmering beneath her skin. With a final yank, she turned the knob and let the water come crashing down on her overheated head.

_Ah!_

Jack greeted the moisture with a gasp of surprise, shivering as the cold water poured forth from the showerhead and doused her body in icy water. _Cooold!_ Already, she could feel all the dirt she'd accumulated on Illium washing away, all the grit , grime and

Alas, her fury and frustration were not so easily quenched. Her anger continued to burn,

"Damnit," she hissed. "Damnitall!"

Bereft and confused, left alone with her emotions, there was nothing left for her to do but cry. Jack curled up into a ball, tucked her knees into her chest, and screamed. The soundproof room, meant to muffle the noise, failed spectacularly. Everywhere on the Normandy, be it from deck one to five, crew members paused in their daily tasks. Some accidentally dropped reports, others ceased their calibrations, still others paused in their meditations; their attention riveted by the young biotic's cry of sexual frustration.

Down below in engineering Naruto blinked, tilted his head in confusion. Why on earth would Jack scream like that?

"What in Kami's name was that about?"

**A/N: And there we have it. Jack isn't quite sure what she sees Naruto as: father figure, brother, boyfriend? Of course, having Shepard and Kasumi around doesn't help matters any. So have any of you guessed at the identity of Naruto's AI? Some guesses were closer than others last chapter...either way, its going to provide some much needed amusement on the Normandy. In other news, a little bird told me we'll be getting that new Mass Effect DLC in two days! XD Can't wait! Which brings me to one last order of business before I go. I've finally managed to salvage the data from my lost NarutoxAria story that fanfiction took down, Alpha and Omega. It wasn't easy to reconstruct, mind you! I'll be reposting it sometime within the week. And on that note, I bid you adieu! **

**So...in the immortal words of Atlas...**

**...Review...Would You Kindly? We're building quite a harem here! And of course, enjoy the preview! **

**(Preview)**

The blond chortled softly to himself.

"We've all gotta die sometime."

Biotics flaring, he marched towards his death.

**R&R! =D**


End file.
